Day 4 – Leaving solitude behind.

It was a rainy morning outside, dark and dreary. But inside our cozy little kitchen were the smells of toasting bagels and the yumminess of another bowl of our favorite organic plain yogurt with fixings. The kitchen brightened even more while I painted in front of my son, just like yesterday.

I am finding that more and more I am enjoying having the company of my children while I paint. I saw the beginning of this Sadhana (well, the beginning three beginnings ago) as a time where I could paint alone during the quiet moments of napping children. I could use the time to escape and do something just for me. I didn’t think for a moment that I would be drawn to abandoning that time of solitude for painting in front of my children. Yet doing so does not seem so foreign to me.

I love the idea of planting little artistic seeds in their young minds. I love the idea of burning these memories in their minds, memories of watching their mother paint and meditate everyday.  I love the idea of them also wanting to paint right along side me. I love the idea of them feeling comfortable enough to one day call themselves artists, and a yogi and yogini.

I love being a positive influence artistically in their lives.

To do so does not mean that I have to paint like a professional. All I have to do is paint. To do so does not mean that I must only use certain materials like canvas or expensive paints. All I have to do is use my creativity and show them that they can use multiple materials to paint on and paint with, their imagination can know no limits.

I also love being a positive influence on them in regards to keeping a commitment and gifting myself through the use of meditation and the Sadhana process.

I am teaching them that when one begins a 40 day Sadhana, if they skip a day or forget (like I have done twice now) that it will serve them to stick with the process and begin again, right back at day 1.

I am teaching them that meditation can help with a myriad of issues that can arise in ones life. That meditation can be one of the best things you can gift yourself with.

I am not mother of the year. I am not super-mom.

But I know that along with my husband, that our children are like molds of clay that we are forming and shaping as the years go by to become the adults they will grow into.I also know that along with my husband, that our children are refining the forming and shaping that our parents did with us when we were children. We are all teaching each other.

Each day is a new journey, a new shaping of the clay and this morning at our table we all took a step in the right direction.

Day 3 – Abstract Granola

We all woke late this morning so it was a mad dash to get my daughter dressed, convince her that she had to wear pants today (which always leads to a meltdown, she loves her dresses) then get her fed and off to nursery school on time. To save precious minutes I figured my son and I could eat breakfast together (and the dog too) when we got back home from dropping her off.

Let me tell ya, I am so happy we woke up late!

We got back home and I got to making one of my family’s favorite breakfasts, plain organic yogurt with organic granola, organic dates rolled in coconut and organic bananas. We love just about anything in plain yogurt, especially so when the yogurt is homemade.

I put my son in his highchair and sat down next to him. Put his bib on and started offering him some of the yogurt. Wile we were sitting there munching away I looked over at yesterdays painting and thought, why not paint now in between bites?

So I pulled my easel across the table and set to putting some red and black and white paint on the palette and began the process. My son was delighted, pointing at the paints and smiling and talking to me in his baby language which always melts my heart.

Having no idea where I was going to go in regards to a theme for today’s painting I found myself making squares and repeating to my son, “Black square, red square, black rectangle, red rectangle.” Which then led to, “White line.” and “Colors, black, white, red, shapes, square, rectangle and here is a line.” I personally think it is never too early to engage and teach our little ones. He may have had no idea what exactly a square is even while I was pointing it out to him, but why not try anyway, why not share?

I had gotten used to painting while both my children were down for naps in the afternoon and I am not saying that I will never do that again but I really, really enjoyed painting in the presence of my baby.

Square, rectangle, line. Black, red, white.

Day 2 – The art of letting go.

Can we as artists just let go, just allow ourselves to PLAY?

Must we always strive towards greatness, perfection, the “IT” piece of artwork, the one that will get noticed by everyone?

Must we paint using only the perfect color combination?

Must we put upon the paper or canvas only the crispest of brush strokes?

Must we strive when painting to create only masterpieces?

Well………….I didn’t feel like doing any of that today!

Today I just grabbed whatever paint my hand happened to find and painted wherever my hand happened to go across the paper.

It’s not perfect, it’s not one that will get noticed by everyone. I didn’t use the perfect color combinations or paint the crispest brush strokes and it is not a masterpiece.

But I had fun, I let go and I PLAYED!

Be the artist you want to be, paint the way you want to paint, let go the way you want to let go,

and remember to PLAY!

Day 1 – Being led back to the path.

Okay, here we go again. Day 1 and I have a painting painted and WILL meditate right after writing this post.

Supper is in the oven, the house is spic n’ span. Time for me, just for a few minutes.

I felt for a moment today, just before picking up my paint brush, like giving up. I felt like all the enthusiasm I had developed for painting over the last 11 days had gone flying out the window. It seemed instead of a time of solace each day for me, a time to unwind and let go and just create, was now a chore that had to be done, something else that I HAD to do. I felt like a mountain climber who had just trekked up a high mountain, hiking for days, only to slip and slide all the way back down to the bottom, standing there looking at the summit knowing that I would have to take that first step and start the journey all over again.

I knew I couldn’t stay in that head space for long or else I would never put the paint on the palette, fill up my water cup, grab hold of my brush and put that first stroke of color on the paper. So when a moment came when I though for just a second that I could actually stand to begin again, I seized the opportunity and quickly got to work. My daughter was right next to me as my own personal cheerleader. She enthusiastically shouted, “Mama are you going to paint?!”  “Yes sweetie I am.” I replied. “Oh boy! Yippie!” she said, with such delight in her voice that I instantly felt that I not only had taken that first step up the mountain but had been carried four steps further by her.

I took the light and dark blue tempera paint and put some on my palette and then felt drawn to the magenta. I thought, this is my Sadhana, my own personal journey towards change, since I am beginning again it would be appropriate to apply the paint to my hand and put my own hand print on the painting. As I applied the magenta paint to my hand my daughter practically jumped out of her seat, she thought it was so neat. When she asked if she could also put her hand print on the painting I didn’t hesitate and took hold of her tiny hand, applied the paint, and pressed her hand onto the paper.

Looking at this painting I feel like this was where I was supposed to have begun. It feels right.

Children can be our greatest teachers, our strongest allies, and I am so grateful that today, my daughter led me out of the darkness of the forest, into the clearing and back onto the path.

Day 0 – Yup, you read that correctly.

I was in the midst of shrink wrapping the homemade soap I had made for a fundraiser for our local library. I was tying cute bows and applying labels and packing my homemade bath salts and scrubs and jewelry items. Then I stopped. Hold on, I thought, I did remember to do my meditation yesterday didn’t I?

DIDN’T I?!?!?!

I know I painted my picture, but did I meditate?

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moment felt, moment released to the upper atmosphere, new moment to take in. I am remaining calm. I am alright. Surely there is a lesson to learn here. I now have to accept that I have to start over, AGAIN.

I am the grain of rice.

Okay, so let me not cop out and just take the high road of not doing the painting part of my Sadhana or doing something instead of painting, like tinkering around with something crafty. I can do crafty for the next Sadhana. I can have 40 days of crocheting or jewelry making or soap and bath stuff making or haiku writing or something like that. I really should see this through. I made a commitment to myself to paint and meditate everyday for 40 days.

But my limiting mind is making it seem so appealing to just meditate for three minutes a day and do nothing else. My limiting mind is also telling me that I’m a big ol’ loser and not capable or doing a 40 day Sadhana at all. That I ruined this, I suck, and all manner of negative thoughts just file on into my brain.

Well limiting mind, I’m going to go right around you. I’m going to NOT listen to what you have to say, NOT feel what you are trying so desperately to make me feel. I AM going to  have an experience, liberate myself.

I am going to keep going on this journey even if it means that I have to start at day 1 all over again.

But day 1 is going to have to start tomorrow cause I’m beat.

Day 11 – Fast and FURIOUS!

So whoever was supposed to be working with Mr. Sandman last night, you know the one who takes over the shift to allow you to sleep (since Mr. Sandman worked so hard on getting you sleepy in the first place) well, he didn’t show up to work!!!!

Just when I got to sleep my son woke up to nurse, this happens all the time. Right when I float off into dreamland I am woken up to return to booby milk land. After he nursed he fussed and fussed for what felt like hours. I tried to put him back in his crib instead of letting him sleep with us for the night but he wasn’t into that. He cried and had a tantrum or two and used the “sad dog eye” effect to melt my heart into taking him back into the bed where he nursed for another hour and then proceeded to be a squirmy wormy again. My husband, feeling my pain, took him into the living room so they could both cuddle and fall asleep on the couch. I got a scarce few hours of halfway decent sleep, I emphasize the halfway here. But once my husband had to get ready for work I was back nursing. Finally my son fell asleep (JOY!!!!!!!! Oh wait, NO JOY!!!!!!!!!!!!) only to have my daughter wake up probably a half hour later. I kindly tell her, “Mama really needs to sleep so you can stay here in bed with your brother and I and snuggle and sleep or you can go back in your room and play quietly.” She stays in the bed and proceeds to wake me up (again right before I doze off into dreamland) every five or ten minutes asking me if it is time to wake up yet. She finally gives up on getting me out of bed and goes into her room to play. My son, thankfully, is still asleep so I figure, now is my chance, if even for less then an hour.

RING! RING!

Are you kidding me? Is that the phone? That can’t be the phone at this hour.

RING! RING!

I see on caller ID that it is an 800 number, a bill collector no doubt. I admit, I lost it. I haven’t cursed someone out like that in years. She did say, “You have a good day ma’am.” which I could tell by her tone she was forced to do as per job regulations. I retorted with some grunting profanity of some sort. It is a bit of a blur now.

But your a yoga teacher you say? Shouldn’t you be all enlightened and nice, yadda, yadda, yadda?

I’m human and blow up just like anyone else. I did feel a little bad after, a little. But I also felt really angry and like a ball of fire. I didn’t want to carry this emotional upheaval around with me for the rest of the day. So I handed the children some bananas to hold them over and headed to my easel. This turned out to be the fastest painting I have done yet. I simply put all of my emotion onto the paper. I let all the anger out.

I mean after all, this Sadhana isn’t about becoming Picasso or Rembrandt or Dali by the end of 40 days! It’s about being creative every day for 40 days and finding my true self through the meditation.

So I let go and threw red and black paint on the paper and after less then five minutes called it done and felt better. Now on to a good day with more patience, happiness and God and Goddess willing, a nap.

Day 10 – It’s Me vs. Mr. Sandman

I’m beat. I could sit here at my computer and try to write something witty or epic or cool or whatever, you can fill in the blank. But I have been boxing with Mr. Sandman for days now and I think he’s about to knock me out.

How to be creative when you feel so incredibly, drag down, knock you off your feet, falling to the ground tired? I mean how does one keep the creative juices flowing when one just thinks about breaking out the juicer and the creative fruits and then the process of getting those creative juices juiced to in the end get the creative juices flowing – and I’m lost too with that thought.

This has been my day.

I did managed to paint a quick painting. For some reason the letter “I” came to mind so I just went with it and painted the letter in upper and lower case script and block and included an eye for good measure. A friend of mine wants me to participate in our local library fundraiser on Saturday which means me being extra creative in the form of making all natural handmade soaps, bath salts, sugar scrubs and nice tub stuff like that along with handmade jewelry and crochet wears. I have known about this fundraiser for weeks but every night when I finally have the free time to get crafting, Mr. Sandman has other plans for me instead.

So I give in. I’m down on the mat and I hear the referee counting to ten. You win Mr. Sandman. You knocked my lights out. I’m off to bed.

Day 9 – Becoming the grain of rice.

It was an incredibly long day today for me and my family. We had a six hour round trip car ride as we bid farewell to a friend of ours that passed on into the next life. We said goodbye to him, then celebrated his life with family and friends at a restaurant and then went to visit some other friends who are wonderful artists that live in the area we were visiting. By the time my husband and I got the children in the car and were ready to hit the road for our long drive home the moon was already out and shining beautifully in the night sky.

I hadn’t had a chance before we had set out this morning to do my painting or meditation and I’ll admit I had a moment there when I thought, “Ugh, all this driving, then we have to attend to our dog, get the children ready for bed, etc., etc. and then I have to still paint and meditate?!”

After a wonderful Kundaini Yoga class I taught last night some students remained behind and we were discussing energy and emotions and what to do when it feels like too much to bear. I recounted a story when someone had once told me to be like the Buddha when that happens, when the Buddha was sitting under a tree and eating only one grain of rice each day. He was emaciated, his hair and fingernails overgrown and unkempt. But that one grain of rice sustained him, he overcame the uncomfortableness of being in such a state. Of course we know that eventually he abandoned that particular path but we can still gain some wisdom from his experience. “Be the grain of rice.” I told the student. “Embrace the energy or the emotion. Let it move through you and then surrender it to the universe. Do not fear it. Experience the experience and then let it go.”

So I took my own advice today and when I was about to allow myself to get agitated and overwhelmed about the prospect of having a long night ahead of me before sleeping I “became the grain of rice”.  I embraced the emotion and then let it move through me and out to the universe. When I looked up into the night sky there was the moon again shining in the darkness. What beauty to behold. Naturally she became my inspiration for tonight’s painting and what a joy it was to paint it! I felt relaxed and calm, even when painting a crescent became challenging, I was calm, even when my son decided that he wasn’t going to go back to sleep without loudly (very loudly) letting us all know that he objected, I was calm, even when my daughter decided to join her brother and also object loudly about having to go to bed, I was calm, even when the dog who was so excited that we were back home that she pooped on the floor, I was calm, and when my son decided he would poop too (thankfully not on the floor), I was calm.

I am the grain of rice.

Thank you Buddha! Thank you moon!

Day 8 – Eye Heart My Life!

I went to bed with a raging migraine last night and got little sleep as a result but today is another day and that means another painting to paint, another day of meditating and a million things to do.

My husband is off to work and my daughter crawls into bed with me and my son. It’s the beginning of a new day. Everyone is up, okay, get everyone dressed. Brush teeth, comb hair, change a dirty doopie (dirty doopie changing will occur countless times throughout the day). Get myself dressed, make breakfast, walk dog, feed dog, walk dog again. Coats on, shoes on, strap everyone into their car seats, get my daughter off to school.  Mental note to be sure not to hit any squirrels while driving again! Back home, walk dog again, coats and shoes off. Play with my son, check email, coats and shoes back on, head to the library for a play date.  Play with friends, look for books, back in car, buckle up, car seat check, back to pick up my daughter from school. Head home, walk dog again, cook lunch, start laundry, wash dishes, vacuum, dust, re-organize everything in sight, clean bathroom, wash dishes (can you say crisis clean!), prepare for at home play date, get both children off to take a short nap, PAINT (can’t leave that out after all), clean up, friends arrive, time to play, bake muffins for everyone, clean up after they leave, walk dog again, write blog, oh great the dog pooped in the house, clean up stinky poopy.

After blog is done, MEDITATE, cook dinner, feed dog, put laundry in dryer, get ready to go teach a Kundalini Yoga class, say hello to my hubby, drive to yoga center, teach, drive home, snuggle with my hubby for a minute, off to bed until it’s time to nurse and then, nurse and sleep, nurse and sleep until tomorrow when I’m woken up by my daughter and a new day begins.

I feel like a domestic goddess and no matter how tired I am right now and no matter how even more tired I feel while re-reading this post to check for grammatical errors and I read just how much I’ve done and still have to do – it’s priceless.

I LOVE MY LIFE!

Day 7 – The Wheel of Life and Death and Facebook.

My son and daughter were safely and firmly strapped into their car seats this morning and we all headed on down the road to drop my daughter off to nursery school. That’s when it happened. A squirrel raced out into the road, I swerved, only slightly mind you as to be safe and well, it all happened so fast, then the squirrel tried to scamper back to the safety of the woods when I heard a thump under my car tires. I looked in the rear view mirror and saw its poor body twitching for a moment and then it lay there motionless, dead. I felt awful. I just accidentally killed a squirrel.

I didn’t make so much as a peep, just covered my mouth in horror, I didn’t want to upset the children. I dropped my daughter off and my son and I headed to a mommy and me music class. I had a few minutes before the class started and hopped onto Facebook via my IPhone. I love social media for just such an occasion. Something happens and you have no one to turn to to get your feelings out of your system. So you log onto your account and type a few sentences and wait.  Before we got back on the road after class I checked again and the kindness of friends shined bright with a few words of encouragement and advice. Words such as, “pray”, “forgiveness”, “you are not alone”, “fate”, “sadness”, “empathy”, and “free”. Thank goodness for status and comment links to click on.

I knew naturally what my focus would be for today’s Sadhana painting, the wheel of life and death of course. It occurred to me that many view death as a doorway. A doorway in words such as, “The doorway to the afterlife.” Or an actual physical doorway one walks through. Death is also associated with a white light that people supposedly see. Death is when the soul leaves the physical body it is said as well. I decided to use all of those elements in my little painting.  I chose white paint of course for the white light, gold for the soul, blue for the body, and black and silver for the absence of the world we had once known, the darkness of death. I chose to have the figure standing in a doorway filled with white light and used the swirling of the gold over the blue body to symbolize the soul leaving the body.

We have so many things that we argue about, so many things that we disagree about, but we ALL have one thing in common that none of us can escape. We are ALL born and we ALL die.