Day 9 – Becoming the grain of rice.

It was an incredibly long day today for me and my family. We had a six hour round trip car ride as we bid farewell to a friend of ours that passed on into the next life. We said goodbye to him, then celebrated his life with family and friends at a restaurant and then went to visit some other friends who are wonderful artists that live in the area we were visiting. By the time my husband and I got the children in the car and were ready to hit the road for our long drive home the moon was already out and shining beautifully in the night sky.

I hadn’t had a chance before we had set out this morning to do my painting or meditation and I’ll admit I had a moment there when I thought, “Ugh, all this driving, then we have to attend to our dog, get the children ready for bed, etc., etc. and then I have to still paint and meditate?!”

After a wonderful Kundaini Yoga class I taught last night some students remained behind and we were discussing energy and emotions and what to do when it feels like too much to bear. I recounted a story when someone had once told me to be like the Buddha when that happens, when the Buddha was sitting under a tree and eating only one grain of rice each day. He was emaciated, his hair and fingernails overgrown and unkempt. But that one grain of rice sustained him, he overcame the uncomfortableness of being in such a state. Of course we know that eventually he abandoned that particular path but we can still gain some wisdom from his experience. “Be the grain of rice.” I told the student. “Embrace the energy or the emotion. Let it move through you and then surrender it to the universe. Do not fear it. Experience the experience and then let it go.”

So I took my own advice today and when I was about to allow myself to get agitated and overwhelmed about the prospect of having a long night ahead of me before sleeping I “became the grain of rice”.  I embraced the emotion and then let it move through me and out to the universe. When I looked up into the night sky there was the moon again shining in the darkness. What beauty to behold. Naturally she became my inspiration for tonight’s painting and what a joy it was to paint it! I felt relaxed and calm, even when painting a crescent became challenging, I was calm, even when my son decided that he wasn’t going to go back to sleep without loudly (very loudly) letting us all know that he objected, I was calm, even when my daughter decided to join her brother and also object loudly about having to go to bed, I was calm, even when the dog who was so excited that we were back home that she pooped on the floor, I was calm, and when my son decided he would poop too (thankfully not on the floor), I was calm.

I am the grain of rice.

Thank you Buddha! Thank you moon!

Day 8 – Eye Heart My Life!

I went to bed with a raging migraine last night and got little sleep as a result but today is another day and that means another painting to paint, another day of meditating and a million things to do.

My husband is off to work and my daughter crawls into bed with me and my son. It’s the beginning of a new day. Everyone is up, okay, get everyone dressed. Brush teeth, comb hair, change a dirty doopie (dirty doopie changing will occur countless times throughout the day). Get myself dressed, make breakfast, walk dog, feed dog, walk dog again. Coats on, shoes on, strap everyone into their car seats, get my daughter off to school.  Mental note to be sure not to hit any squirrels while driving again! Back home, walk dog again, coats and shoes off. Play with my son, check email, coats and shoes back on, head to the library for a play date.  Play with friends, look for books, back in car, buckle up, car seat check, back to pick up my daughter from school. Head home, walk dog again, cook lunch, start laundry, wash dishes, vacuum, dust, re-organize everything in sight, clean bathroom, wash dishes (can you say crisis clean!), prepare for at home play date, get both children off to take a short nap, PAINT (can’t leave that out after all), clean up, friends arrive, time to play, bake muffins for everyone, clean up after they leave, walk dog again, write blog, oh great the dog pooped in the house, clean up stinky poopy.

After blog is done, MEDITATE, cook dinner, feed dog, put laundry in dryer, get ready to go teach a Kundalini Yoga class, say hello to my hubby, drive to yoga center, teach, drive home, snuggle with my hubby for a minute, off to bed until it’s time to nurse and then, nurse and sleep, nurse and sleep until tomorrow when I’m woken up by my daughter and a new day begins.

I feel like a domestic goddess and no matter how tired I am right now and no matter how even more tired I feel while re-reading this post to check for grammatical errors and I read just how much I’ve done and still have to do – it’s priceless.

I LOVE MY LIFE!

Day 7 – The Wheel of Life and Death and Facebook.

My son and daughter were safely and firmly strapped into their car seats this morning and we all headed on down the road to drop my daughter off to nursery school. That’s when it happened. A squirrel raced out into the road, I swerved, only slightly mind you as to be safe and well, it all happened so fast, then the squirrel tried to scamper back to the safety of the woods when I heard a thump under my car tires. I looked in the rear view mirror and saw its poor body twitching for a moment and then it lay there motionless, dead. I felt awful. I just accidentally killed a squirrel.

I didn’t make so much as a peep, just covered my mouth in horror, I didn’t want to upset the children. I dropped my daughter off and my son and I headed to a mommy and me music class. I had a few minutes before the class started and hopped onto Facebook via my IPhone. I love social media for just such an occasion. Something happens and you have no one to turn to to get your feelings out of your system. So you log onto your account and type a few sentences and wait.  Before we got back on the road after class I checked again and the kindness of friends shined bright with a few words of encouragement and advice. Words such as, “pray”, “forgiveness”, “you are not alone”, “fate”, “sadness”, “empathy”, and “free”. Thank goodness for status and comment links to click on.

I knew naturally what my focus would be for today’s Sadhana painting, the wheel of life and death of course. It occurred to me that many view death as a doorway. A doorway in words such as, “The doorway to the afterlife.” Or an actual physical doorway one walks through. Death is also associated with a white light that people supposedly see. Death is when the soul leaves the physical body it is said as well. I decided to use all of those elements in my little painting.  I chose white paint of course for the white light, gold for the soul, blue for the body, and black and silver for the absence of the world we had once known, the darkness of death. I chose to have the figure standing in a doorway filled with white light and used the swirling of the gold over the blue body to symbolize the soul leaving the body.

We have so many things that we argue about, so many things that we disagree about, but we ALL have one thing in common that none of us can escape. We are ALL born and we ALL die.

Day 6 – Kundalini rising and cake.

I taught a nice high energy kundalini yoga class this morning dubbed, “Yoga Your Turkey Off”. One of my students was new to Kundalini Yoga and I just love witnessing a new student experience the rising kundalini energy as the class progresses and their processing of it.

For me teaching is like a nice jolt of energy that carries me for the next couple of days. I love sharing such transformative teachings, it has changed my life in so many ways it still amazes me to this day and I will be going on six years as a certified teacher.

So fast forward to nice company this afternoon at our home and yummy warm homemade soup for lunch, I mean what else are you going to do with leftover turkey after a while? FYI, too much barley in a soup is not the best of things.

Anyhow I get my trusty ol’ paint supply tub and head on over to my easel. I am finding that this is becoming one of the favorite parts of my day. I know I have 34 days left but I am really enjoying the process of painting one painting and meditating once everyday. I’m enjoying it more then I thought I would.

I decided to try my new metallic tempera paint set and work with those colors. I thought of the wonderful rising kundalini energy as I painted and once again just let the painting paint me. I find that phrase becoming another mantra for me.

While it is not one of my favorite paintings, I am still pleased with it. I though of frosting a cake as I splattered on the paint with a thick brush. Delicious frosting covering two fudge layers of baked deliciousness. Slathered on thick and just a bit messy but who would really care, it’s just going in your belly fast and furiously after all anyway.

Rising kundalini energy and cake, two of the sweetest things ever!

Day 5 – “Mama, can I mebutabe with you?”

My daughter comes up to me this evening and takes a look at me sitting in Easy Pose with my hands in their mudra and my eyes closed, breathing nice and long and deep and says, “Mama can I mebutabe with you?” How could I ever say no to that?! So we sat down together and I showed her how to hold her hands and taught her how breathe the right way for the meditation and we practiced together for about a minute. Both of us were smiling the entire time. It filled my heart with such joy!

When I went to get my art supply box she got even more excited and asked if she could sit and watch me paint. Since I had painted the moon yesterday I thought I’d paint the sun today. As I started swirling gold and yellow and orange and white on the paper she reminded me that the sun needed ribbons which I found out meant rays. So instead of telling her no and continuing on the journey I had decided the painting was on, I yielded to her idea and let her direct my painting. I put in as many “ribbons” as she liked. She then said she wanted me to use the black paint. But what could I paint black? I had initially thought I would just paint the sun in the sky. Then I remembered how good it felt yesterday to have painted a tree and decided to try it once more. I attempted one without leaves again but just like yesterday wasn’t happy with the result. What to do? Leave it looking like a modern Tim Burton-esque tree? Then my daughter said she wanted me to use the purple paint. Now hold on, what could I possibly paint purple here? Purple leaves? Is that okay? Can I have happy little purple leaves on my happy tree? Why not! So I put some purple paint on my palette and made purple leaves for the tree and you know what? I love them!

When in doubt as to what to paint, when in need of inspiration, look no further than the imagination of a child.

Thank you my little monkey shine! Mama loves her painting!

Day 4 – Meditating is making me want to paint…..NOW…….yawn…

I spent nearly the entire day feeling tired. I am sure that leftover turkey made into a sandwich didn’t help. It is said that eating turkey makes you sleepy. I didn’t think about meditating or painting at all today. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it had to be done but it wasn’t in my waking thoughts.

Yawn………………………………

I made more leftovers for dinner and got everyone fed and read bedtime stories and tucked the children in. Just talking about bed is making me more sleepy……………..yawn…………………….

But as soon as they were off having their conversations with Mr. Sandman (who I swear is whispering in my ear) I ran to do my meditation for three minutes. I found that it was difficult to concentrate. So I did what I would have told my students to do, being that there is no mantra with my particular meditation, I focused on my breathing. But that wasn’t working either. I found that as soon as I began my meditation I couldn’t do anything but think about painting. I really, really, really, really wanted to get my three minutes of meditating out of the way so I could go grab my art supply box and easel and get to work!

Double yawn…………………………………………………….

Three minutes was up and off to my fancy smanshy workspace, the kitchen table, I went. I wanted to paint something that wasn’t modernistic this time. I had seen a painting of a tree silhouetted against the night sky in a catalog and thought that would be a nice challenge. I felt like being challenged. I had also never painted a tree, or the moon, both of which I hold very near and dear to my heart. We also had a fabulous night sky the night before with stripes of pink and purple and blue and I sought to emulate that in the painting as well. I was pleased with the result of the sky and every time I thought I made a mistake I would chant what the great Bob Ross would say, “There are no mistakes, just happy accidents!”. I grew up watching that show on PBS with my mother and still love it to this day. I also worked some more on letting go and when I once again let the painting paint me I got a great looking moon as a result. But now came the big leap. I was going to take the plunge and begin painting a big black tree right on top of my beautiful night sky. If it failed how would I fix it? There’s no throwing away paintings for me during this process so I knew I would have to MAKE it work. I painted the trunk, then went for the branches. Being that winter is coming I decided to go without leaves but wasn’t happy with the result. So I dove into the black paint and got to making leaves. Well, I’m happy tonight with my “Happy little tree.” as Bob Ross would also say and I envision some happy little creatures living in my painting too just like he would do.

Yawn………………………………………………….

So thank you Mr. Ross for your inspiration. I hope you and Yogi Bhajan are up there doing yoga and painting paintings and making the next world an even happier, healthier, holier place!

I’m off to bed…………..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………………….

Day 3 – Paint, food and being thankful for everything.

The turkey is in the oven, what, you’re surprised that a yoga teacher is not a vegetarian or vegan? I am not. I consider myself an organic locavore, someone who tries to eat only organic produce, dairy, eggs, meat and fish from local sources. I have considered becoming a vegetarian countless times. My family and I try to eat meat only once or twice a week max. Our diet is about 85-90% vegetarian. Maybe someday we’ll make the switch, maybe not. What we are not though are a family that fills their bellies with processed genetically modified garbage made halfway across the globe that disguises itself as food. Nothing beats homemade…… well, everything! Homemade dishes where you know what ingredients are used, and where they came from and maybe if you are lucky enough like us, you’ll even be friends with the farmers.

But I digress.

Where was I…..ah yes, the turkey was in the oven when my husband asked me, “How will you ever have time to meditate and paint today?” It is Thanksgiving after all (and a happy Thanksgiving to any of you out there in the world reading this!) and we have family coming over so the house needs a little last minute sprucing up, the rest of the food needs to be cooked, the table needs to be set etc., etc. I could have panicked, could have become unbalanced and angry or overwhelmed at the prospect of having to fit this into my already busy day. But instead of doing that I focused on getting the bird in the oven and then got right on over to my easel and got my paint and brush out and got to work.

My daughter wanted to sit near me and watch as I painted. I used the colors so often associated with this holiday, orange, red, yellow, brown and black. I had though at first to paint a leaf so I grabbed a pencil to draw one. I began painting and found that once I let go of my original idea and just let the painting paint me it changed into yet another blurring of color with the most paint I have yet put on a piece of paper.

When done I thought at first, “Here I go again with a similar painting, blurred colors and strokes here and there.”  But I quickly released that thought. This Sadhana is not about creating masterpieces with each and every painting different from the last. This is about letting go and what comes from it is a result of doing just that. It is what it is and if today yielded a painting that is similar to yesterday well, that is what was meant to be, what I needed to see and to do today.

I am pleased though with the end result and so was my daughter. It made me think of my next 40 day Sadhana. Perhaps I can do an art and yoga Sadhana with her. Even though she is only three and a half, what a great bonding experience it would be for the both of us to do some form of art and meditating everyday for 40 days. We’ll see when the time comes up.

Some potatoes and green beans are calling my name. Happy Thanksgiving!

Day 2 – And the Revelation is, YES.

I taught a great class last night and felt wonderful after. But by the time I got to bed my throat was feeling a wee bit sore and then by the time I woke up this morning I felt awful. My mother was going to come over so we could both get much of the cooking for Thanksgiving out of the way instead of being inundated by mounds of sweet potatoes and turnips and green bean casserole and yadda, yadda, yadda.  I wasn’t feeling like cooking, or reading morning stories to my children, or walking our dog, or preparing breakfast and lunch, or meditating or painting. All I really wanted to do was go back to bed and sleep all day. But I made breakfast, I read morning stories to my children, I helped my mom cook, I made lunch, walked the dog several times, and in the end, did indeed meditate and paint a painting.

Go me!

I had been thinking all day about the label, artist. When can one call themselves an artist? Are you an artist when you make art for a living? Are you an artist when someone comes up to you and says, “You are an artist!”? Are you an artist when you make anything artsy?

Am I an artist?

Is what I do indeed art?

Is it art only when someone looks at it and says, “That’s art.” Is it art when a gallery wants to hang it on its walls? Is it art because an artist made it?

While painting and letting my mind wander so I would have no agenda as to what I would paint henceforth allowing myself to produce an organic image, I found myself painting the words YES in the middle of the page.

Even when painted over with gold tempera the words still faintly show through.

Am I an artist? Is what I do indeed art?

YES.

Day 1 AGAIN – New Beginning Unfolding

I awoke at around 2:30 am when my son awoke to nurse and then it hit me, I forgot to meditate again last night. The Grace of God meditation calls for meditating twice a day and I had only done it once. Instead of today being day 2 it became day 1 all over again.

Move ahead to this afternoon. The dog is walked, the children and I have lunch and off everyone goes to nap with no arguments, the dog even goes to take a nap. I had been convincing myself that it was going to be impossible to paint everyday for 40 days. How on earth could I possibly find the time to do that?! But in the moment of silence in the house I go grab my box of supplies and head to my easel.  I organically go to trace my hand and find myself drawn to the extra paint I had left over on my palette from yesterday. I paint my hand and then feel drawn to yellow, orange and magenta. I begin painting the background, loading the paper with paint and mixing and swirling the colors together. This feels easy, good and before I know it I feel done.  I had hardly realized that I had been singing “The Azure Salver” mantra the entire time which goes like this:

“The sky is the azure salver,

The sun and moon are thy lamps,

The stars are thy scattered pearls,

The sandal forests are thy incense,

And the breeze is thy fan.

These, along with the flowers of vegetation

Are laid as offerings at thy feet

O Destroyer of Fear,

What other worship can be compared

To nature’s own festival of lights,

While the divine music resounds within?

Thousand are thine eyes, yet thou hast no eyes;

Thousand are thy forms, yet thou hast no form;

Thousand are thy lotus feet, and yet thou hast no feet;

Thousand are thy noses to smell, yet thou hast no nose.

I am enchanted with thy play.

It is the light which lives in every heart,

And thy light which illumines every soul.

It is only through the Guru’s teachings

That the light comes to be shown.

Whatever is pleasing to thee,

That is the true worship.

My soul yearns for the honey of Thy lotus feet.

Night and day I am athirst for thee.

I am like that bird who cries, “Peeoo, Peeoo,”

Waiting to receive the drop of water

Which is the nectar of Thy kindness,

So that I may live in the ecstasy of Thy Name.”

The Azure Salver a shabad written by Guru Nanak which is part of Kirtan Sohilaa, a prayer read at bedtime by the Sikhs. I’m not a Sikh, although many people think that I am by the way I dress when I teach. They don’t understand that anyone can wear a turban, that it is actually beneficial or that wearing white clothing is also beneficial. I am actually a Pagan but still celebrate traditional holidays like Christmas and Easter as far as family celebrations go, decorating a tree, singing carols, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and egg hunts. I honor the traditions I grew up with. But my family and I are Pagans at heart and honor both the God and Goddess and this beautiful planet we live on, nature and animal kind. Does it mean that because I am not a Sikh that I cannot chant a mantra? Absolutely not! And I feel that by chanting today it only helped the artistic process flow. But I digress.

So I finished a painting! Yeah! Now what about meditating? I already hadn’t meditated this morning and I had been wondering if the Grace of God meditation was truly calling to me. It had been suggested to me by my teacher during Art & Yoga Teacher Training that it would be a good meditation for me to practice for a Sadhana because it is fairly short and with me being short on time with caring for my children and husband it would be a good fit. But something just didn’t jive here. I decided to pull out my old Level One Teacher Training manual, The Aquarian Teacher and take a look to see if anything popped out at me. I instantly felt drawn to the, “Meditation to Conquer Self-Animosity”. It is an easy meditation starting at three minutes and slowly increasing to eleven minutes that helps to conquer the state of self animosity so that you can have the ability for constant consciousness in support of your core self. I particularly liked that in the comments section it read,

“There are no enemies. There are challenges to our creativity.”

I set my new free meditation timer I downloaded on my IPod for three minutes. Tuned in, did the meditation and ended with three long Sat Nam’s.

I can do this, this now feels right. This now feels complete.

Now I can begin.

Day 1 – From Anger and Challenge to a Place to Breathe

The dog was walked, my children were fed lunch, my son’s diaper was changed, I got both of them to go into their room and take naps. Now time to finally meditate and paint.

The dog is barking her head off, my son is crying and needs his diaper changed again. He also wants to be nursed. My daughter wants me to read a book to her or not nap at all.

How exactly is one supposed to meditate and paint like this?

Now I notice just how unkempt my house is. There are dishes in the sink, laundry has to washed, more laundry has to be dried and even more laundry has to be put away. The floors could use a good mopping and vacuuming. There are toys scattered about and I am tired as anything and with each moment passing getting into more and more of a bad mood.

I will try not to take this out on my children. I will try not to take this out on my dog. I will try not to call my husband up at work and take this out on him.

I AM GOING TO MEDITATE!

Okay, lay on the couch, tune in, begin meditating, end with two long Sat Nam’s. Now to paint. Trace my wooden figures with an emphasis on the relationship with myself (that’s what came to me to do). Okay, figures traced. What color paint is calling me? I am going to try to not think, just paint.

This is not working. Have I managed to purchase the worlds worst paint brushes?! I put way too much paint in my tray, I only have a small sheet of paper! I don’t like the way this painting is coming out. In fact I hate it. Why did I choose these colors?! This sucks! I have no talent! I can’t paint for beans! Maybe my painting at teacher training was just a fluke. Maybe it was because I was around other people all grooving to the energetic beat of bliss. Ah, I’ve got it, I need mantra music. Where is my IPod?

Wahe Guru Wahe Jio ought to do it.

Three versions later……..

This painting really, really, really sucks. What a first start. Ugh……

Then I take my brush and load it up with black paint and begin painting right over what I had done. I load up with the rest of the blue and purple. I begin painting over one of my figures. I dip my brush into the light blue and begin to mix that in, and then the gold. I just keep going throwing paint on the paper.

I am no longer painting, the painting is painting me.

I stop and look and see that a portion of one of the figures I had traced is still visible. It is me in the darkness of anger. But around me is the faint gold glow. I am standing tall through it all and the vague outline of the other part of me that was bent down is nothing more then a ghost now that can be barely made out.

Wahe Guru indeed. I can breathe now. I have put the anger on the paper instead of in the hearts of those closest to me. I have put the anger on the paper instead of carrying it in myself.

If this is what day 1 revealed, the next 39 days are going to be quite a ride.